Bump Check: Week 34

Well, Scott and I survived week one of birthing class.  I feel so fortunate to be married to this wonderful man.  We were both weirded out by the same stuff, grabbed and squeezed hands a lot during class, and passed a lot of mutual thoughts through eye contact during class.  We had to watch a live birth video, including phase 3 of birth, the delivery of the placenta.  Umm.  Eww.  The best part of the class was when the teacher elaborated on the placenta portion of delivery.  She said, “You don’t have to look at it if you don’t want to.  Your doctor would probably be happy to show you…they find that stuff really interesting.  But if you don’t want to see it, they’ll just take it off to placenta land.”  Scott and I laughed pretty hard at placenta land, and then I decided that PlacentaLand actually makes for a wonderful theme park!  Below is an executive summary of my business plan.  I plan to open this park next year.  It’ll take about 9 months to construct.

PlacentaLand

A pregnancy theme park for the young or young at heart!

Target market: nursing or medical students, pregnant couples, an alternative to the awkward “hair growing in new places” talk in 6^th grade health class.

Location: Uterine Wall, NY

Rides: Note -- all water rides will be in the adjacent water park, Fluid Sacs of Fun.

Fallopian Tube Slide: Enjoy a comfortable ride down this water slide in an egg raft, landing on a giant maxi pad!

The Great Egg-venture: Grab your paddle and climb aboard this egg-raft for a lesson in birth control.  Do your best to out-paddle the Sinister Sperm^TM as you head your way down the reproductive system.  Land in the menstrual swamp at the end of the ride, and you’re safe! 

Mucous Plug Marina: Rent a paddleboat, a delightful maritime treat, and get a work out at the same time!  The consistency of the Mucous Plug Marina varies day-to-day.

Cervix Coaster: This thrill ride leaves you with great anticipation as the rollercoaster car hangs at the top of the ledge, waiting for the cervix opening to get to a 10.  When you reach a 10, the real fun begins!

Umbilical Bungee Jump: Self-explanatory

The Bladder Bouncer: Located in our child friendly playzone, KegelKidz, this fully-enclosed trampoline is safe and fun for all family members.

Attractions

Aerola Airshow: Look in the sky!  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!  No!  It’s a Boeing Boob^TM! Air show daily, every 90 to 120 minutes.  Bring an umbrella for any leakage.

Perineum Puppet Parade: Join this production as they sing, dance, & stretch.  Audience participation is encouraged.  With more crowd support, the puppets do their best to fight off Evil Episiotomy Man^TM!

Restaurants

Colostrum Café: Open for breakfast only.

Breastmilk Bistro: Daily specials when the neon breasts outside are engorged.

Chez Vagina: This upscale eatery is best known for its variety of discharges.  Prices vary depending on season.

Please let me know if you’d be interested in investing in this business venture!

 

How far along: 34 weeks

Current fruit comparison: A large cantaloupe, 5.5lbs.  Whoa baby!

Total weight gain/loss: +26.2

Sleep: It’s been alright.  I’ve got some nasal congestion going on right now, so I’m sleeping with my mouth open which makes my throat dry…but other than that, I’m sleeping pretty well.

Best moment this week: A wonderful baby shower at my little Aly-boo’s!

Movement: She’s so busy!  I took some Sudafed the other night (which is on my approved medication list…no worries) and I’m pretty sure it made her super hyper. Homegirl would not settle down.

Food cravings: Nothing weird…I actually haven’t been eating as much the last couple of days because of my stuffed up nose.  It’s pretty depressing, because I really like to eat.

What I miss: Leaning forward on the couch to get something off the coffee table.  Now, that squishes the baby.  My life is SO hard!

Milestones: The baby is apparently about the length she’ll be at birth, so the next few weeks she’ll just fatten up!