Birth Story Part II: Blood, Mucous, and Poop – oh my!

In case you missed Birth Story Part I, you can catch up on the juicy (seriously) details here.

Alright, so where did we leave off?  Ahh, yes. I had just spent 4 hours chillaxin’ post-epidural.  Did I mentioned that I lurve me some epidural?  When I got my epidural, I was 3cm dilated.  About 4 hours after the epidural, I started to feel some pressure/pain in my lady bits and by boconcus (my great-grandmother’s name for butt).  We pushed the magic button on my bed and my sweet nurse came in to check me out – I had progressed to 7cm.  Yahoo!  She also noticed that our sweet baby girl’s heart rate had dropped and she wasn’t turned quite right (not to a super scary emergency level, just enough to do a little something to help). 

Babies should be born head first, face to the floor, but our baby was head first, face to the side.  In order to get her to turn 90 degrees, they needed me to lie on my side.  Sounds easy, right?  Not so easy when the ENTIRE BOTTOM HALF OF YOUR BODY IS NUMB.  In order to flip me to my side, I had to hold the side of the bed while one nurse worked on moving my legs and another nurse moved the pee pad underneath me to help my butt/hips turn.  I felt like a morbidly obese person on TLC trying to get out of a recliner or something.

Just a few minutes before turning on my side, Scott said, “I’ve never been this close to someone else’s pee and been okay with it.”  I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I looked over and he was sitting by my catheter bag.  Apparently when the bottom half of your body is numb from an epidural, you cannot feel or control yourself peeing.  Totally didn’t think of that.  Oh, P.S. If you’re going to get a catheter, make sure to get it with an epidural.  Then it’s no biggie!  It was this moment that things got really interesting and my relationship with Scott grew deeper and dirtier.  Okay, so I’m lying on my side and Scott is sitting right by my face and holding my hand.  Besides not being able to control your bladder, you cannot control your sphincter (yea…I said sphincter).  It was at this point that I started farting uncontrollably…about 6 inches from my husband’s face.  Want to feel how awkward this is?  I challenge you to the next time you have to pass gas, stand up to someone face to face in an uncomfortably close range and let ‘er rip. 

It gets worse.

As I’m staring into the beautiful blue eyes of my loving husband and letting out some no-so-lady-like toots, I begin to shart (aka when one farts and a little shit comes out or “gas mixed with mass”).  So essentially, I’m looking at the love of my life and pooping the bed at the same time.  I felt so helpless.  Here’s how the rest of this situation played out.  I’ll write it like a play in case anyone would like to act it out later.

Michelle: Umm…Scott?  I’m pretty sure I just pooped in the bed.

Scott: [Wide eyes] Oh really? [Scott’s face here says “Please don’t ask me to wipe you.”]

Michelle: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.  Can you call in the nurse?

Scott pushes the magic nurse button on my bed.

Nurse (over speaker): Yes, can I help you?

Scott: Umm, my wife needs some help.

Nurse (over speaker): Okay, I’ll send your nurse in.

Enter nurse

Michelle: Hi. How would you feel if I told you that I think I just pooped?

Nurse: That could be a definite possibility. [Nurse walks to my butt & lifts up my sheet.] Yeah, it looks like a little poop, a little blood, a little mucous.

Michelle’s inner dialogue: Oh my gosh! My butt pooped, bled, and SNEEZED?!

Now at this point, I was expecting a nice little clean up from my sweet nurse.  Nope.  She literally took one tissue, did the tiniest little wipe, and then went about her business as I sat in my business. I guess knowing that it wasn’t worth her time to clean any of that up was just a sign of the mess that was to come.

And then came the pushing.

Okay, even when I imagined having an epidural and then pushing a baby out of my lady bits, I thought it was going to be a 100 on the pain scale. It turns out the epidural and adrenaline made it probably a 30 for me.  Yes, it was hard work, but it was SO exciting and between contractions and pushing, I was able to smile and laugh and joke with my husband and doctor.  It was actually a really great experience.  When I envisioned pushing a baby out, I figured a team of all these people and weird tools and hospital-y things would start to happen.  What actually happened was my sweet nurse took a look under my gown and said, “It’s time for you to push.”  She then had to describe HOW I should push.  It’s funny that they don’t cover this topic in the childbirth class, but it’s all pretty natural, so it just sort of happens.  Anyway, what I’m saying is I started pushing the baby out when the only people in the room were me, Scott, & the nurse (and part of Effy’s head). Wait…where’s my doctor?  Shouldn’t somebody be down there to catch her?  Turns out pushing when it’s just your husband and a nurse in the room is relatively peaceful, so I was cool with it.  After my very first push, the nurse said that she could already see the baby’s head, which was very impressive for a first birth.  I then said, “Are you calling me loose?”  Luckily, our nurse was awesome and laughed at my bad joke instead of just feeling awkward.  My doctor came in and made me happy because she’s the kindest lady ever. I do remember the doctor asking if I wanted to reach down and feel the baby’s head. Nah, I’m good.

Scott went into this experience not sure if he was going to watch Effy come out or if he was going to stay back behind my legs.  Once it all started, he had no problem watching it all happen and said it was really exciting to watch and not nearly as weird or gross as anticipated.  He was an outstanding coach and partner during this whole process and really advocated for what we both wanted for the baby and what I needed to stay comfortable.  I LOVE HIM.

After a little over an hour of pushing, she arrived! 

Effy Genevieve, born 9.30.11 at 4:34pm. 7lbs, 0.2oz, 20” long.

Baby Check: 2 Months

Two months of parenting have gone by and I still have very little idea what I’m doing.  From what I understand, that feeling will last forever.  Miss Effy turned 2 months old last week and she is SO much different than a month ago.  I have no baby experience prior to our daughter, so I’m working on a very steep learning curve here.  

Effy’s 2 month stats:

·       10lbs, 14oz (50^th percentile) – 7lbs, 0.2oz at birth

·       22.75” long (75^th percentile) – 20” long at birth

A beautiful baby: She is so much fun to look at and inspect, so long as she sits still.  That’s one of the best parts about breastfeeding is she’s awake and super content, so I can dig fuzz out from between her fingers and inspect what we believe to be a future cowlick and she won’t wiggle away from me. It’s hard to tell 100% what color her eyes will be, but Scott and I both think they’re looking more and more brown (her mama has brown eyes, and daddy has blue).  I love looking at her eyelashes and kissing her face.  Our family has never been a kiss-on-the-mouth type of family (except for Scott and I.  We DO kiss on the mouth.  Don’t tell my dad), but Effy gets kisses on the mouth from her crazy mama every day because I CANNOT RESIST. I’m not sure she likes it, but she can’t move away so BOOM.  Kissed on the lips.

Fun noises: Effy spent the first month of her life grunting but now only 30% of her noises are grunts (based on a recent poll taken by observers of Effy’s noises [AKA me]).  Now she’s actually making other fun noises, mostly little happy screams and sometimes mad screams.  I guess you could call it coo-ing, but I really think they’re little baby screams.

Sleeping: Homegirl is figuring this stuff out.  She has her moments, as we all do, but she seems to be learning the difference between day and night.  Her “night” appears to be going to bed between 8pm and 10pm sometime (just depending on when she eats) and she wakes up between 6:30 and 8am.  When she doesn’t go to bed when I feel like she should, I get cranky and take it out on my loving husband.  Actually, we both seem to do a pretty good job of picking up when the other person is tired and/or frustrated.  That hasn’t happened as much in the last couple of weeks because she’s sleeping so much better! Let’s hope this pattern continues.

Covering up: I’m not exaggerating…I buy something from Baby Gap or Old Navy once a week for this little person.  This is a problem.  Not so much of a problem that I’m going to quit, but enough of a problem that I’d call it a “problem”.  I’m not much for words on baby clothes…like, “Mommy’s Little Angel” or “Cute & Cuddly”, however, I was able to look past it when I saw this. Currently on my wishlist Effy’s wishlist are this, this, and this. If you would like to donate to Effy’s closet, please send gift cards to our home address.  As you can see, this poor, innocent baby doesn’t have enough clothes.

Meal time: Sweet baby loves her some boob, just like her father ::badum ching::.No but seriously, breastfeeding is going very well and I feel so blessed because of that. I know that breastfeeding is not always something mothers are able to do for various reasons and I’m so grateful that Effy and I figured it out together.  Breastfeeding while not at home?  Oh man, I could go on and on about the challenges of that, which I hope to in another post.  I really want to get better about posting frequently.  In January, I’m going back to teach so I’ll be in front of a computer all day, hopefully giving me more time to get some thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.  Of course not when the students are in the room…that would make me an ineffective teacher.  I’ll blog with all of my free time as a high school teacher & new mom (hardy har har).

Play time: Effy’s best friends are (in order): mommy’s boobs, the ceiling fan, most light fixtures, a racist panda toy from Effy’s Asian aunt Emily, and a black & white rattle-ish toy from Scott’s cousin Kristin.  The best new play time treat? She has started laughing at things we actually do!  Scott figured out that by saying “baby” in a weird way, you will 90% of the time get a few big toothless grins out of her.  It’s pretty much what we live for.

Outings: If you’re my friend on Facebook, I think you’ll agree that Effy needs to stop going to Nordstrom.  Here’s the benefit, however, of going there: (1) nursing mother’s room, (2) delicious café with tomato basil soup, (3) AH-dorable kids clothes, and (4) attached to a mall where we can walk around in a climate controlled environment.  My mom, Effy, and I have been to Nordstrom Café so much that we now sit in the same section to get the same waitress who we adore.  In fact, Mom went in to the café to get our food and a table while I fed Effy.  The waitress came up to my mom and said, “No Effy today?”  She remembered my daughter’s name.  Needless to say, she got a 40% tip that day.  Effy also had her first overnight trip to a hotel!  My dear friend Kasi got married the first weekend of November and I was lucky enough to be a bridesmaid.  We packed up our car (it was STUFFED), and headed to Lawrence for the weekend.  It was fun to experience something new with the little lady and take advantage of essentially staying on campus.  We decided to show Effy where her mom & dad met.   

The bench where Daddy proposed.

The building where Mom & Dad met.

Whatever, Mom. This is boring. I want to go home and play with the ceiling fan.

Effy also made an outing to the school where I teach.  I did secretly sneak in the back door to my friend Sarah’s room and hid out there until most of the students were out of the halls.  My students have no physical boundaries and based on the amount of pregnant belly rubbing I received, Effy would have left with a variety of germs, old band-aids, and cheeto dust on her cute Baby Gap outfit.  Sick.

Effy, I love you, I love you, I love you.  I love the way you look all swaddled up with your big soft cheeks waiting for my kisses.  I love the way your hair smells after you get a bath.  I love watching you stretch after a nap.  I love washing and hanging up all your little clothes.  I love your little sneezes , especially when it makes your pacifier shoot out like a little rocket.  You make your dad & I so proud and happy every day and we hope that you know how much we love and care for you.  We’re SO incredibly blessed to have you as our daughter and hope that we can be the parents you deserve. 

Alright friends. I know I haven’t been good about writing and I’ve heard from a few of you that you’re anxiously awaiting the graphic sequel to part I of the birth story. I hope to get that out of my head this week!

Baby Check: 1 Month

Our sweet baby girl is 1 month old already!  She technically turned 1 month last week, but I'm just now getting around to posting some of the details.  She's starting to get her baby fat and is beginning to look more like a baby and less like a newborn.

Fun noises: She spends her days grunting.  She's naps and grunts.  She swings and grunts.  She takes car rides and grunts.  It's like she's a small, old man.  OH MY GOSH, she's like Benjamin Button!  Actually her noises make me laugh, even sometimes at night.  Effy sleeps in a bassinet at the foot of our bed and I can't see her unless I scoot to the end of our bed.  That being said, I can see the bassinet wobble and I can hear her noises, and sometimes instead of thinking that our room has me, Scott, and a baby in it, I imagine that the noises the baby makes are actually like...a roommate or something.  They sound so adult-like sometimes, like there's a 27 year old college buddy laying in that bassinet, hocking up loogies and occasionally passing gas.  Oh, also, when she poops, you know it.  You know how you see some parents picking up their child and smelling their butt to see if they pooped?  As of now, we don't have to do that. It doesn't always stink but it sounds like an adult having diarrhea.  Effy: if you're 17 and reading this, I apologize.  Thank goodness only baby girls poop and older girls do not.

Swaddled up with Grandpa

Covering up: Effy lives in onesies.  She has some really cute full outfits, but they're mostly for when she's a bit bigger.  So for now, it's mostly onesies.  In fact, there are 4 that are "newborn" size and she's already grown out of them.  Sigh.  They are folded up and waiting to be put in the baby rubbermaid in the basement.  The onesies that seem to fit her best right now are 0-3 months from Old Navy.  I shopped online a lot prior to Effy, but in the last month, my online shopping habit has grown exponentially.  Shopping on my iPhone while breastfeeding is what I do now.  Jealous?  First of all, it's way easier to shop online when you have a wee one and second, shopping for a baby is SO fun!  With my Banana Republic card, I get free shipping on all purchases from Gap, BR, and Old Navy, so scowering the Old Navy sale area online is great!  A $4 sale item delivered free to my door?  Done!  I bought these in gray recently for the baby and they're adorbs on her.  A lot of her little clothes seem to be gender neutral and I can tell when we're out and about, people can't tell if she's a boy or a girl.  I usually try to help people out by quickly referring to her as "she" or "her".  Oh, but homegirl LOVES her some swaddling.  Seriously, she spends a lot of time wrapped up and digs it.  Oh, they make velcro swaddler things which are WAY easier than actually wrapping her in a blanket.  Little Houdini cannot escape and then get upset about the fact that she escaped.

Meal time: Effy is a breastfed baby and is gaining weight like a champ.  Watching her eat is one of the best things ever.  My favorite is when it's been awhile since she's eaten and I'm super full of milk: Effy opens her mouth real wide, her eyes are wide-open, and she'll put both hands on my boob, trying to keep that boob in check.  I can't tell you how many times the words, "Come on Effy! Conquer that boobie!" have come out of my mouth over the last month.  I might also occasionally call her Augustus Gloop because of how quickly and loudly she eats sometimes, much like when Augustus was drinking water straight out of the chocolate river in Willy Wonka.

Play time: Effy's favorite things to do at the age of 1 month...

• Hanging out in her swing
• Looking at lights (about 90% of her waking hours are spent doing this)
• Looking at the ceiling (it's bright white and apparently mesmerizing)
• Snuggling with her daddy and smiling when he talks in funny voices
• Spending time with her loving family
• Riding in the car
• Taking walks
• Making mommy do laundry

Outings: Little lady  has been out and about quite a bit...it's really tough to do with a newborn (trust me...I've cried about it a few times), but the only way to get more comfortable taking her places is to take her places!  She's been to the mall a few times, Town Center, and out to eat a few times.  Obviously she needed to get some queso and go through a Mexican food buffet, so we made that happen.

Also, we survived this first month thanks to lots of wonderful advice, love, and delicious meals.  Thank you SO much to our friends and family who have helped us stay sane and learn how to pretend to have control of this situation.  We love you dearly!

Stop embarrassing me in front of my friends, Mom.

Birth Story, Part I: Labor & Popsicles

Alright…so I’m finally getting around to typing out our sweet baby’s birth story.  I figured since now she’s a MONTH OLD (what?!), I should type out this story before I forget any of the graphic (shocking, I know) details.  This entry, though not terribly long, took me 5 typing sessions to complete.  Turns out having a newborn takes a lot of work and apparently she isn’t quite advanced enough yet to blog for me.  We’ll give her another couple of weeks.  Her chore list is piling up.  The lawn is going to mow itself, for goodness sake.

So my due date was September 26^th, and the plan was that if the baby wasn’t here by September 30^th, I would be induced.  In my mind, I never thought I’d have to be induced, so I agreed to being induced whole-heartedly.  As my due date came and went, the idea of being induced became a reality.  I was starting to regret my decision on being induced, but now looking back, I wouldn’t have changed my experience in anyway.  I think the reason I was anxious about being induced is because nobody imagines their birth experience that way.  I would imagine something more like waking Scott up gently in the middle of the night and saying, “Honey, I think my water broke. Get the hospital bag, get ready to drive-thru Taco Bell, and let’s do this.”  I have absolutely loved my experience with my doctor, and we trust her judgment whole-heartedly…and so we went with the induction.

It’s a very odd feeling going to bed one night knowing you’re going to wake up the next day and go have a baby.  Scott came home from work on Thursday night before our appointment and we decided we were going to do something fun for our last night as just the two of us.  In true Scott & Michelle fashion, we spent the night on the couch, eating pasta and watching Friends.  We went to bed at 8pm.  Aren’t we exciting?  As you know, I was really nervous about the whole not eating during labor thing.  I wasn’t going to be able to eat after midnight the night before my induction, so I planned accordingly.  Dinner was whole wheat pasta with chicken.  Around 10pm I had a bowl of oatmeal.

We got to the hospital at 6am on Friday morning.  Oh my goodness…we were SO nervous.  While I was getting into my hospital gown and waiting in the labor and delivery room with Scott, it felt like a dream.  Like…wait, so I’m sitting here comfortable and casual now, and sooner than I know it, I’m going to be in the worst pain of my life?  Awesome.

Throughout our time at the hospital, we had some wonderful nurses.  We really enjoyed them.  There was one, however, at the beginning of the experience that was saying things that didn’t quite jive with what our doctor had been saying all along.  I went into the induction 1cm dilated, 80% effaced.  My doctor said this was a good sign and that things would move quickly, or as quickly as they realistically could for a first pregnancy.  Our doctor wasn’t at the hospital at 6am though…so we had a nurse that was like, “Oh…you’re only 1cm.  This could take awhile.  You might not feel any contractions for many many hours. I doubt the doctor will break your water for awhile.”  Crap.  This conversation was at about 7am.  At this point, they had started my Pitocin and I was having some mild cramping.  At 8am, my doctor came in and pretty much said, “Let’s get this show on the road.”  She then stuck a crochet hook in my hoohadilly (aka vagina) and broke my water.  This was just the beginning of sitting in my own juices.

The first hour of labor felt like menstrual cramps.  I was doing ok…Scott and I watched Will and Grace, which distracted me for about half an hour.  At about 9am, the contractions were very uncomfortable already and by 10am, I was pretty much a mess, breathing in the weirdest and most uncontrollable way I could and pretty much crying during each contraction.  I told Scott I felt like I was wussing out possibly asking for an epidural so soon.  I’m not sure why I felt that way…who was I trying to impress?  When my nurse came in, I said, “I feel like I should be able to go longer without medication.”  She looked at me like I was a little crazy and said, “If you want medicine, just tell me and we’ll get it.”  DONE.  Epidural = BEST. THING. EVER.  I went into labor with the theory that I’ll wait and see how I feel and then decide if I want an epidural.  I would not change my labor experience in any way.  Thank you, Mr. Anesthesiologist.  At the point of my epidural, I was 3-4cm dilated.  It kicked in about 10:30 and shortly there after, I was enjoying a grape popsicle with the best labor coach ever – my husband. 

Boo-yah!

I spent the next 4 hours seeing some of my family that was waiting at the hospital, playing iPhone games with Scott, and dozing in and out of nap-land. 

Then came the pushing…

Stayed tuned for “Birth Story Part II: Blood and Mucous and Poop – oh my!”

Bump Check: Week 40

Alright baby, come on out now.  Olly olly oxen free!  We’re ready to meet you!  Baby girl has been cookin’ for 40+ weeks so now we’re just playing the waiting game (spoiler alert: she is winning).  So last week I made a list of all the things I’d like to get done before she arrives, and it was quite a long, slightly unrealistic list.  However, because of the help of some wonderful people, items are getting knocked off the list…and things are getting done that didn’t even make the list, which is awesome!

Cinderella came to my house and scrubbed my kitchen floors.  She also vacuumed our bedroom and the nursery.  More importantly, we ate Goodcents together.

Sissy Sarah came up from Texas for a trip home and spent time making delicious food for us!  Because of this master chef, we have a lasagna and 4 Mexican pizzas in the freezer as well as a container of tomato soup and some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins (most of which are already gone…oops)!

I’ve had my car for 11 years and have taken good care of everything under the engine.  I will admit, however, that I don’t take the best care of the interior of my car.  I found a small company that seems to be just trying to get off the ground and their prices are right!  Lucy (my car) got her floors and seats vacuumed and shampooed, her dash and door panels were cleaned, her mirrors and windows sparkle, and they even washed and dried the exterior, all for $100!  I really wanted a sparkling clean car for baby girl to ride in and at 9 months pregnant and with a husband who works full-time while attending grad classes and working on his thesis, I figured paying someone else to do it was totally worth it to me.

I can’t even begin to tell you all the things my mom has done around the house to help prepare for the baby.  I won’t even go into the emotional support she’s given me because it’s just all too much to comprehend, but I think what’s so amazing is she doesn’t make a big deal of it.  I’ll be on the phone in another room while my mom is at our house and all of a sudden, I’ll hear her sweeping somewhere.  I’ll be upstairs getting dressed and she’s downstairs unloading the dishwasher.  All of these things add up to a huge relief for Scott and myself. 

One of the best things that’s happened in the last week is I officially started my maternity leave from school.  It’s really hard not to be with my students, but I know a few days off before the baby arrives is a good thing.  Maternity leave without a baby turned into this today:

• Cheddar bites and strawberry limeade at Sonic
• A trip to GAP Kids where of course I had to buy something
• Stopping into Barnes and Noble to pick up this little beauty
• Conveniently located across the street B and N is Andres Confiserie, where I picked up a piece of vanilla cake with buttercream frosting.  DONE.

This baby better come soon so I stop spending all our money!

Since I’ve been on maternity leave, I’ve received countless texts and emails from students wanting to know how I’m doing.  It’s also funny to see the rumor mill in action.  Here are some of the texts I received on my first day away (they are unedited, so you can get a real taste of my students).  Notice how they progress as the day goes on:

• Hey ms dicus we miss u.. Its alberto and Miguel
• Hey ms dicus itz me Jamie. I wish u the best and I hope everything goes well with ur baby!! I love u and miss u!!!
• Omg i just found out ur goin to have ur baby. i wish u da best..n plz!! Send me a pic of ur baby!!!
• Good Luck Miss Dicus Cant Wait Too See Your Beautiful Baby She Will Have A Big Smile Just Like You :]
• Hey Miss Dicus Its Rosa And Daniel We Were Just Wonderinq If Yu Had Yuur Baby Already?
• Omg Ms.Dicus I heard you are having contractions now, We all wish u the best and let us know when she is here...Love yu girly :)

I love my students SO much.  I also love that in a 2 hour span, the texts went from “Hey” to “OMG…you’re having contractions” apparently.

Okay baby girl.  Let’s get this show on the road.  BRING. IT. ON.

How far along: 40 weeks

Current fruit comparison: She is now the size of a baby elephant.

Total weight gain/loss: At the doctor today, I was up 29.3lbs. I’ll take it!

Sleep: Besides bathroom trips every 90 minutes to 2 hours, I’m good!

Best moment this week: Watching the baby hiccup during our sonogram appointment

Movement: Still good, though I know she’s squished in there. She gets the hiccups a couple of times a day, so that’s why it was extra great to actually see it happening during the sonogram.

Food cravings: Cereal still…no big changes.

What I miss: Doing things around the house quickly.  Everything nowadays is soooo slooooow.

Milestones: Baby girl is fully cooked at 40+ weeks!

Bump Check: Week 39

I’ve been thinking a lot about “nesting” lately, mostly because there’s a lot I want to do and a bunch that’s already been done.  Also, this nesting instinct means less time to write about it and more to do around the house…meaning I’m not sure how long this entry will be but DEAL WITH IT, SUCKAS.

What’s been done

• Nursery is ready (pictures to come in a bit)
• All blankets/clothing/hats/PJ’s/ridiculous baby mittens are washed
• Clothing is organized in her closet and dresser by size
• Linen closet is organized and baby girl has her own shelf now
• All major baby items have been purchased and assembled
• All my lesson plans and grading guides for the entire semester are ready and organized in a binder for my long-term sub
• Frozen meals are prepared, and it’s been really hard not to eat them already
• Our bedroom is ready for her to sleep in it for awhile (clothes put away, dusted, etc)
• Hospital bag is packed
• Organized the closet in the bathroom with the help of my lovely mama.

• I’ve started cleaning under my nails a lot…I cannot be grabbing a freshly birthed baby with grubby nails.  That will not do.
• My jewelry is re-organized (and for those of you that know the amount of jewelry I have, this is amazing).  I wanted to make sure it was organized so in a couple of weeks when the baby is like, “Hey, can I borrow that vintage cameo of yours?” I know right where to go.

Things I would still like to do

• Clean our bathtub.  It’s nasty.
• Clean the kitchen floor.  It’s nasty.
• Sweep downstairs (lots o’ dust bunnies).
• Organize the gift-wrapping area in the basement. Oh my goodness, I get to wrap little baby presents at Christmas this year!  Side note: Christmas music begins November 1^st on one of the local radio stations. I will be there. Don’t hate.
• Wash all the rugs in the house, including the one in front of the washing machine.  This sounds like Danny Tanner a la Full House when he was washing all of his cleaning supply bottles.
• Get my eyebrows and (let’s be honest) moustache waxed one more time before she arrives
• Put away some laundry baskets of school books that are just sitting in the dining room
• Clean out the file cabinet in the office
• Finish hanging up a couple of things in her nursery
• Do another good vacuum of our room and her room
• Wash our sheets so the baby doesn’t know about this situation
• Get my car detailed on the inside.  There’s so much stuck on Tad’s Tropical Sno, melted chocolate, and granola bar crumbs, it’s a little out of control. I could probably just wait until the baby’s old enough and then she can just crawl around and eat all those little bits for me.

If anybody would like to volunteer their services to get anything done, just come on over!

Also, it’s totally crazy to think that this could be my last bump check…or there might be one more.  Only baby knows for sure!  I’m due the 26^th and if she’s not here by October 3^rd, I would be induced, but homegirl could come any day now!  Though it might be the last bump check, there will be many a good baby updates to come as I struggle through a new adventure called parenthood.  Get PUMPED (breast pumped…badum, ching)!

 

How far along: 39 weeks

Current fruit comparison: She’s the size of 8 watermelon put together.  Well…not really, but that’s what it feels like.

Total weight gain/loss: I didn’t weigh myself this week.  Sorry to disappoint you.  Let’s just assume I gained weight, okay?

Sleep: Not the best comfort-wise anymore, but to make it to 39 weeks and have felt pretty comfortable leading up to now?  I consider that a success.

Best moment this week: Finally getting the chair for our nursery delivered – yay!

Movement: She moves pretty good when I lay down.  To my students’ disappointment, she doesn’t always move when they touch her.  “Mrs. Dicus, make her move!”

Food cravings: Cereal…probably because of the cold milk.  Ice water – duh. I have been super into Panera lately.  They have a steak and white cheddar sandwich that is delightful.  I order with the mac & cheese.  Mmmm!

What I miss: Sitting upright on the couch by my husband.  My rib starts to hurt too bad, so I just lay down by him, making it more difficult to hold is hand.

Milestones: Experiencing some Braxton-Hicks contractions.  Is that a milestone?  Whateves, I guess it just means my body is gearin’ up for the real deal!

Bump Check: Week 38

Having been inspired by many of our adorable children’s books, this week’s entry will be an overview of pregnancy guided by the alphabet!  It will be both graphic and medically incorrect. Disclaimer: Please do not use the Pregnancy ABC’s as a measure of what is normal during pregnancy.  Consult your physician before totally believing anything I say.

A is for average.  Baby Dicus has been measuring right on track, 54^th percentile in weight.  Average pregnancy?  I’ll take it!

B is for bladder, a tiny trampoline for your bundle of joy.

C is for chunklets, because I know there are weirdo chunklets of my insides that will be on our sweet baby girl when she’s born.  I’m sorry baby.  I don’t even know what those chunklets are.

D is for dilation, aka the opening of the cervix.  Right now, mine is open the size of a Cheerio and must get to the size of a grapefruit before I can push.

E is for effleurage, a fun French word for light pressure or brushing used as a relaxation technique during labor.  Scott and I learned this in our birthing class.  He is now an effleurage expert.

F is for food, which I now feel like I have an excuse to eat too much of.  Thank you, baby.

G is for gestational diabetes, a regular test all pregnant ladies go through.  You drink some weird orange stuff and then you can’t eat or pee for a while, which is totally rude.

H is for heartburn, which I didn’t even know was a pregnancy symptom.  I would complain about this more, but my antacid tablets seriously do the trick.  I love them.

I is for insurance, which I don’t really understand…just pretend to.  I went up to the benefits lady at my work and said, “So, can you just tell me what plan will be the cheapest for me to enroll in for a pregnancy and then tell me how much to put in my FSA to cover my out-of-pocket expenses?”  She answered immediately and confidently.  I checked the boxes and moved on with my life.

J is for juices, as in bodily juices.  Weird stuff comes out of your body while you’re pregnancy, including this little beauty I’ve been enjoying the last 2 ½ months.

K is for kicking, or baby movement in general, which is pretty much the best thing ever.  They even make “Kick Counter” iPhone apps to keep track of your baby’s movements.  Sounds like overkill, but babies are supposed to move a certain amount in a specific time period so you know they’re healthy.  I haven’t used any apps, but just try to pay attention and make sure baby girl is staying busy!

L is for labia, because that word is funny.

M is for maternity clothes, which are very limited.  I found most of mine at Destination Maternity, Old Navy, & GAP.

N is for nesting.  I’ve spent hours gathering sticks and twigs from our yard to add to the baby’s giant baby nest.  Oh man, totally fooled you!  I’m not making a nest!  I do, however, spend plenty of time happily washing and folding her clothes and blankets, moving around books, and playing with her tiny baby shoes.

O is for ovaries, without which this baby would not be possible.

P is for penis.  A penis played some role in this whole baby thing.  If that confuses you, go talk to your mom or dad.  [Side note for my dad: Remember, I’ve still never kissed a boy. XOXO]

Q is for questions…I kept a list on my iPhone for our doctor so when we’d go in for our appointments, I knew what I wanted to ask.  Scott, the thoughtful engineer, always had better, more researched questions, but that’s why I keep him around.

R is for rib pain.  Have I mentioned this at all during pregnancy?  Sorry I’m a whiner.

S is for skin tags.  This is not a joke.

T is for test, aka pregnancy test.  I took two in one night just to make sure, and Scott and I celebrated by eating onion rings and various other fried treats at The Foundry.

U is for urine that gets checked at every doctor’s appointment.  “Hi, I’ll take your chart.  There’s the bathroom.  Bring your urine back into the exam room when you’re finished.”

V is for vagina.  I have one.  Our baby girl has one.  I’m going to push a smaller, baby-sized vagina out of my grown-up sized vagina.  Awesome.

W is for weight gain, which I thought was going to bother me, but it really hasn’t.  I mean, I’m sure it’s made it harder for me to walk up and down the stairs, but as far as self-confidence, I really don’t mind.  It’s all for a good cause!

X is for xylophone…because what other x words are there really…or, umm, sometimes, the baby hits your organs as if they’re playing a musical instrument. Yeah, we’ll go with that.

Y is for yawning.  Seeing the baby yawn during a sonogram was one of the sweetest things I’ve seen and just reminded me that I have a real little person in there, not just an alien baby.

Z is for zebra trainer, our daughter’s future career.  Duh.

Picture note: I have straight hair from "Crazy Hair Day" at school.  Don't judge...I don't have the haircut or the patience to actually make this look good.  It's just straight and that's that.

 

How far along: 38 weeks

Current fruit comparison: Still a watermelon, but now a 7 pounder!

Total weight gain/loss: +28.2

Sleep: Still no problems…just when I wake up to pee my body is really stiff and sore, but hey, I’m still able to sleep, so I’m not complaining!

Best moment this week: Getting to spend social time with many friends over the weekend…having our last moments as just Scott and Michelle.

Movement: Still moving her butt around a lot.  She better not be a stripper or something.  Some of the baby names my students have suggested sound like stripper names, so we’ll avoid those in order to maybe get her on a clean path.

Food cravings: Besides ice water and Goodcents?  Oh man, there’s this thing at TCBY called a Sorbet Fizz, and I had one the other day with grapefruit sorbet and it was like CRACK.  I just wanted more and more and more, it was so good.

What I miss: Umm…right now, I miss not living in Topeka so I can properly feed this baby Tortilla Jack’s and Casa at least three times a week.

Milestones: I guess I’m considered full-term now?  There are like…393 definitions of full-term, but the one I hear most consistently is 38 weeks --- woohoo!!