Bump Check: Week 36

Let's talk about bodily fluids.  Why not?  It's a nice, summer, Tuesday night...seems like an appropriate topic.

Our senior year of college, Scott got a new Acura TL and quickly became obsessed.  There are certain guidelines in his car that I must follow if I want to be a good wife.  For example, this summer I was driving his car and I really wanted to get some shaved ice from Tad's.  Fact: Tad's WILL drip on you or your car...so I knew that getting Tad's and driving Scott's car would equal marital issues.  Anywho, in about May (aka...waaaay to early for my water to be breaking), Scott jokingly informed me that he was going to make me start sitting on a towel in his car.  Thankfully, he hasn't done that yet, but I'm sure he wouldn't complain if I brought a towel out during the next month.

We have now taken four baby classes through our hospital: Childbirth, Breastfeeding, Infant CPR, & Baby Basics.  Each class discussed bodily fluid in some way.  In our childbirth class, we talked about the details of water breaking.  Apparently, when your water breaks (assuming it does on its own), you must take note of a variety of things including smell, color, and amount.  Obviously this conversation got Scott and I imagining all the places my water could break and how we might be prepared.  Scott then informed me that he secretly hoped my water would break on our bed so we'd have an excuse to buy a Temper-Pedic mattress. 

Mom & Dad have had the refrigerator in their kitchen since 1973.  Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but I'm sure to my mom it feels that old.  However, they know that since the fridge still works just fine, they should keep using it until it keels over.  So THEN I thought, "Mom...what if my water broke ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR?!"  What a genius idea.  I could just hang out on one of the shelves in their fridge with my pants down for the next 4 weeks.  Seems reasonable.

And THEN I started thinking about other things that we'd want to replace.  My mom has had her car for 14 years and daydreams of getting a new car.  Soooo, maybe my water could break on her car!  I don't mean like...me sitting in the passenger seat.  I mean more like me sitting on the hood of her car.  Plus, with the slope of the hood, the water would just run right down the car, but still be gross enough that clearly one would want to buy a new vehicle.

Below is a list of other places I wouldn't mind my water breaking.  Oh...sometimes your water will break and then a bit more will come out during contractions, so if you'd like to add something to this list, just let me know.  Scott can drive me around and I can sprinkle baby sac juice on your belongings because I love you.

• On my iPhone: The battery on my phone isn’t very good anymore.  I do tend to drive with my phone between my legs, so having my water break on my iPhone is a very good possibility.
• On our bath towels: This is a logical place I could get some vagina water.  I mean, the towels are just fine.  We got them 4 years ago when we got married.  They’re just tired and faded.  I wouldn’t mind an upgrade…maybe to these.  Yes, please.
• On my computer lab at school: It’s really slow and old…so I could just have my water break and then rub around on all the work stations.  My students wouldn’t think that was creepy at all.
• On the old shopping carts at Hy-Vee: Our Hy-Vee has a mixture of new and old carts.  The old ones are just obnoxious and drive crooked.  Some baby sac juice should do the trick.

Please let me know if you’d like me to ruin anything of yours.  We’ll add your home address to our birth plan and make sure our route to the hospital includes a stop at your place.

How far along: 36 weeks

Current fruit comparison: A watermelon!  We’ve finally made it to the last and final fruit.  She’s supposedly a 6.5lb watermelon right now.

Total weight gain/loss: +28.2.  Crap.

Sleep: Sleep has been no problem for me.  I feel very fortunate because I know I’ll need all the sleep I can get before little miss baby arrives.

Best moment this week: Spending the weekend in Topeka with my fam.  Eating Casa & Paisano’s in less than 24 hours.  Spending time with the wonderful people at Wolfe’s Camera.

Movement: Busy little baby…I can feel her boney little bottom move around a lot.   How do I know it’s a butt and not a head?  See “Milestones” below.

Food cravings: WATER!  I can’t say it enough.  Ice water is like sweet nectar from the gods.

What I miss: Properly demonstrating dance techniques to my dance team.  They laugh at me sometimes when I try to show them things or get concerned that the baby is going to fall out.  Luckily there are a couple really talented dancers in the group, so I can just point to them and say, “Do it like she is.”

Milestones: We’ve officially started weekly visits to the doctor.  Last week, the doctor checked me and said that Baby Dicus is already head down, I’m 1cm dilated, and 60% effaced.  She said it doesn’t mean much…like the baby could come in 2 weeks or 5 weeks…but it’s still nice to know that something is happening down there!

Bump Check: Week 35

Being one of the first of my close girlfriends to have a baby has been interesting.  I don’t necessarily have someone to share maternity clothes with.  I wish I had a close friend with a little baby so maybe we could take walks together and push our strollers and be super cute.  I do, however, have my dear friend Sarah (one of my co-workers), who has an adorable 3-year-old son and has given me wonderful tips and listened to my pregnancy rambling during our plan periods for the past few months.  Oh…she also spent many an evening at my house this summer eating Goodcents, watching So You Think You Can Dance, and letting me lay on the couch like a pregnant bum.

Besides pointing me towards used maternity clothing stores and some fun children’s consignment sales, Sarah has given me a very important piece of advice that I’ve kept close to my heart.  “Michelle.  Under NO circumstances, within 2 weeks of giving birth, look at your vagina with a hand mirror.  Do NOT do it.  It will look like your vagina was in a bar fight and lost.”  Noted.

Because I spend 40-50 hours a week at school, I figured we should have some sort of game plan for what we would do if my water broke or I started having contractions at school.  I told my students that if all of a sudden it looks like I peed my pants, they are to call Ms. H (aka Sarah) and that’s when the plan rolls into action.  At this point, Sarah or I will call Scott so he can head home and get the hospital bag & generally try not to freak out.  Sarah will come to my classroom and assess the water breaking situation.  She will be contacting the janitorial staff in case we need any of that body fluid powder/saw dust/oatmeal clean-up stuff.  Additionally, if my water breaks on my chair, she will ask one of my teacher aides to wheel it to the dumpster.

Because my hair is quite foofy and will only get bigger during the labor process, we feel it would be a good use of our time to straighten and French braid my hair in my classroom.  I will practice deep breathing and relaxation techniques while my hair is put together for baby’s arrival.  Next, Sarah will take me to her car (where a beach towel will be waiting) and we’ll head toward the hospital.  On the way, we’ll stop by a drive-thru and pick up something to eat.  I’m so not kidding here: I think one of my biggest fears about labor is not being able to eat and then just thinking about how hungry I am.  Those of you that have been around me when I get hungry know that I must have a snack and I must have it NOW.  This is not new since pregnancy.  This is just Michelle.  So anywho, we’ll get some food on the way (probably Taco Bell…because who doesn’t want to poop out a chicken nacho cheese chalupa on the labor and delivery bed?).

Once we arrive at the hospital, Sarah will give my vagina another pep talk (as mentioned in a previous blog post) and Scott will take over as my birth partner.  I sort of hope my water breaks at school only because I think it would make a good story for my students.  As if their lives aren’t dramatic enough, this would just be the icing on the cake.  I can already see laptops coming out, logging onto Facebook, and the status updates flying.  “OMG guyz! Ms. D’s in LABORRRRRR!!!!” “WTF?!  Why duz ur water breakin smell SO weird?!”  “Ms. D is having her baby IN HER CLASS!!! Come to room 323 ‘n’ bring sum towelz.”

How far along: 35 weeks

Current fruit comparison: A 6lb cantaloupe!

Total weight gain/loss: +26.2…seriously not even a .10 change from last week.  Whatever, I’ll take it.  Donuts must not be that bad for you if I haven’t gained any weight this week.

Sleep: It’s been good!  Going back to school has made me extra sleepy, so I fall asleep really fast.  Me likey.

Best moment this week: An adorable owl baby shower at Miss Emily’s, complete with crocheted flowers and McGonigle’s pulled pork!

Movement: Oh man, I felt hiccups this week for the first time!  I probably notice them every other day.  My stomach doesn’t move too much, but it feels like really repetitive taps inside my belly.  So sweet.

Food cravings: Seriously can’t get enough ice water.  I have 3 teacher’s aides throughout the course of the day and yesterday, after doing some filing for me, I had one of them go refill my water bottle.  I love TA’s!

What I miss: Walking quickly.  I don’t waddle all the time yet, but I do walk slower. Usually by the end of the school day, I’m having some sciatic pain down my left butt/leg, but it’s not too bad compared to my silly rib that just won’t let it go.  Darn you rib.

Milestones: Baby girl’s immune system has matured enough to protect her from infections outside the womb.  Go girl, go!

Bump Check: Week 34

Well, Scott and I survived week one of birthing class.  I feel so fortunate to be married to this wonderful man.  We were both weirded out by the same stuff, grabbed and squeezed hands a lot during class, and passed a lot of mutual thoughts through eye contact during class.  We had to watch a live birth video, including phase 3 of birth, the delivery of the placenta.  Umm.  Eww.  The best part of the class was when the teacher elaborated on the placenta portion of delivery.  She said, “You don’t have to look at it if you don’t want to.  Your doctor would probably be happy to show you…they find that stuff really interesting.  But if you don’t want to see it, they’ll just take it off to placenta land.”  Scott and I laughed pretty hard at placenta land, and then I decided that PlacentaLand actually makes for a wonderful theme park!  Below is an executive summary of my business plan.  I plan to open this park next year.  It’ll take about 9 months to construct.

PlacentaLand

A pregnancy theme park for the young or young at heart!

Target market: nursing or medical students, pregnant couples, an alternative to the awkward “hair growing in new places” talk in 6^th grade health class.

Location: Uterine Wall, NY

Rides: Note -- all water rides will be in the adjacent water park, Fluid Sacs of Fun.

Fallopian Tube Slide: Enjoy a comfortable ride down this water slide in an egg raft, landing on a giant maxi pad!

The Great Egg-venture: Grab your paddle and climb aboard this egg-raft for a lesson in birth control.  Do your best to out-paddle the Sinister Sperm^TM as you head your way down the reproductive system.  Land in the menstrual swamp at the end of the ride, and you’re safe! 

Mucous Plug Marina: Rent a paddleboat, a delightful maritime treat, and get a work out at the same time!  The consistency of the Mucous Plug Marina varies day-to-day.

Cervix Coaster: This thrill ride leaves you with great anticipation as the rollercoaster car hangs at the top of the ledge, waiting for the cervix opening to get to a 10.  When you reach a 10, the real fun begins!

Umbilical Bungee Jump: Self-explanatory

The Bladder Bouncer: Located in our child friendly playzone, KegelKidz, this fully-enclosed trampoline is safe and fun for all family members.

Attractions

Aerola Airshow: Look in the sky!  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!  No!  It’s a Boeing Boob^TM! Air show daily, every 90 to 120 minutes.  Bring an umbrella for any leakage.

Perineum Puppet Parade: Join this production as they sing, dance, & stretch.  Audience participation is encouraged.  With more crowd support, the puppets do their best to fight off Evil Episiotomy Man^TM!

Restaurants

Colostrum Café: Open for breakfast only.

Breastmilk Bistro: Daily specials when the neon breasts outside are engorged.

Chez Vagina: This upscale eatery is best known for its variety of discharges.  Prices vary depending on season.

Please let me know if you’d be interested in investing in this business venture!

 

How far along: 34 weeks

Current fruit comparison: A large cantaloupe, 5.5lbs.  Whoa baby!

Total weight gain/loss: +26.2

Sleep: It’s been alright.  I’ve got some nasal congestion going on right now, so I’m sleeping with my mouth open which makes my throat dry…but other than that, I’m sleeping pretty well.

Best moment this week: A wonderful baby shower at my little Aly-boo’s!

Movement: She’s so busy!  I took some Sudafed the other night (which is on my approved medication list…no worries) and I’m pretty sure it made her super hyper. Homegirl would not settle down.

Food cravings: Nothing weird…I actually haven’t been eating as much the last couple of days because of my stuffed up nose.  It’s pretty depressing, because I really like to eat.

What I miss: Leaning forward on the couch to get something off the coffee table.  Now, that squishes the baby.  My life is SO hard!

Milestones: The baby is apparently about the length she’ll be at birth, so the next few weeks she’ll just fatten up!

Bump Check: Week 33

I would consider myself to be a relatively organized person.  Many of my friends have witnessed this characteristic in various aspects of my life.

• I have a variety of organized notebooks with dividers (specific dividers only available at Office Max…none of that yellow divider with golden edges crap). 
• My classroom lessons, activities, etc are very organized and I move around quickly usually knowing exactly what I want to do next.
• My calendar -- my time management system is a combination of a Google calendar, my Vera Bradley paper planner, and some sweet tips from Franklin Covey.
• Road trips: If I have an excuse to use a spreadsheet, I probably will.  [See picture below] 

As my husband knows all too well, there are areas where I am SO not organized (aka…STUFF).  I’m organized with my time and getting things done, but STUFF like clothes, dishes, etc…I don’t really care as much about.  I think I’m in nesting mode, however, because I’ve been trying to organize my stuff better.  With my rib issue going on, it’s been hard to move as quickly as I would like, but I’m trying!  When I heard about some pregnant women making meals to freeze for the weeks right after the baby is born, I thought, “I can SO get on board with that!”  Yes, it would be extremely convenient, but more importantly, doing this would just make me feel super cute and planner-ish.  An opportunity to feel super cute at 7+ months pregnant in August?  DONE.  Fact: I sweat a lot.  Fact: My students will point this out when they show up to school on Monday.  Me no feel cute.

Anyway, back to cooking.  My mom being awesome came up to help for this frozen meal extravaganza.  We were an excellent team.  I managed assembling all the recipes and cooking anything on the stove.  Mom chopped veggies like nobody’s business.  She shredded chicken like a pro.  She sang along to Michael Buble like the sassy lady she is.  I…love…my…mom.  We finished 4 of the 7 of the recipes I chose before we clearly needed a food and shopping break.  After shopping, my rib decided it was done for the day, so Mom cleaned up the kitchen while I lied on the couch.  Really??  She spoils me.

I had two cookbooks I used and picked 7 recipes.  I ended up using this cookbook waaaay more than this one.  Look at the cuteness below!  The deep freeze we bought 4 years ago is finally getting used.

P.S. I’m back to school this week, so my bump picture is me in a school shirt from today.  I’m smokin’ hot, I know.

P.P.S. Students start Monday, so get ready to hear some of their ridiculous pregnancy comments.  Two from last week’s dance camp: “Ms. Dicus! You ain’t got yo’ pregnancy waddle yet!” and "Whoa! Your cheeks got chubby!"

How far along: 33 weeks

Current fruit comparison: Somewhere between 19” - 22”, 4.9lbs, a pineapple!  I can get behind that.

Total weight gain/loss: +24.6…apparently I lost weight this week?  Certainly not trying to.

Sleep: Pretty good.  I can’t nap anymore now that I’m back in school, so maybe that’ll help me sleep through the night!

Best moment this week: Cooking with my mama and doing some serious nursery nesting with my husband on Saturday morning.

Movement: My busy baby bee moves a lot, so much in fact that I wonder if other people notice my stomach moving around all crazy-style.

Food cravings: Nothing too odd.  I have still been eating a lot of cereal.  Currently into Hy-Vee brand Fruity Pebbles.

What I miss: Eating something, then lying down right away.  Now this gives me some serious heartburn!

Milestones: The nursery is painted & new window treatments are up!  It makes me very happy.  I love it.

Bump Check: Week 32

Today I’m feeling very busy with house cleaning, nursery organizing, and lesson planning…because I go back to school on MONDAY!  What?!  Students start the following week, so I’ve got to get my butt in gear!

Today’s blog post is not for you, dear reader.  It is for my lady parts.  She doesn’t mind if you eaves drop.

Alright girlfriend, less than 8 weeks to go.  You’re feeling pretty normal right now, I’m sure. But you’re probably tired of toilet paper…I know I’m peeing a lot more, but wiping is important.  Consider the alternative.  Pee…drip-dry…you embarrassingly leaking onto my undies.  Not good for your social standing.  I know you’re nervous about squeezing a human out of you.  Don’t be.  People do it ALL the time and I hear it’s super painless and you definitely won’t tear or require stitches. Okay, I can’t lie. You might tear…and you might need a little sewing job to get you up to snuff, but you’ll do great.  I understand that after the baby comes, you’re going to feel…well…not you’re best.  Physically, I think you’ll look pretty ugly. I mean that with love. I will always love you, vagina, but I won’t want to hang out with you for a while after the delivery. Also, I’ll do my best to keep you groomed over the next two months.  I can’t see you anymore, so this could provide a challenge, but I have resources and I know that you want to look good, especially because we’ll be video taping you during the whole delivery and streaming it live on the internet…SIKE!  J/k BFF, I wouldn’t embarrass you like that.  Now I think we can both agree that not having a period for 7 months has been great. This does NOT mean you need to make up for it by bleeding excessively after the baby comes.  That’s up to you though. Just remember all the good times we’ve had…don’t let me down.  Now, I want to take care of you, so in my pregnancy bible, it has listed a few things I can do post-partum to make sure you’re a happy girl.  Here are my thoughts on a few of those suggestions:

• “Ice it”: I’ve been told to put some pads in the freezer for after the delivery because a cold pad can make you feel better.  This is in no way me giving you the cold shoulder…rather a cool sense of relief from all that hard work you’re going to do.
• “Keep your hands off the area until healing is complete”: sorry, vagina. I guess we can’t have thumb wars or play patty cake for awhile.  You can still text me though.
• “Warm baths”: This would require me cleaning my bathtub good enough to want to sit in it…so don’t count on this one.

Mmmkay lady parts…now relax and enjoy the next few weeks because life will never be quite the same.  Smooches! 

How far along: 32 weeks

Current fruit comparison: 19”, 4.5lbs…a honeydew!  Now that’s sweet.

Total weight gain/loss: +25…no change from last week. Phew!

Sleep: It’s alright.  I’m not physically uncomfortable, but lately I have been waking up in the middle of the night for a couple of hours.  Usually I’m just thinking about baby stuff or lesson planning.  Surprise surprise!

Best moment this week: Watching the baby blink on the sonogram! A super fun baby shower in Topeka with many of the important people in my life!

Movement: She’s on the move!  Sometimes I just sit with my shirt up to expose my belly so I can just watch her move.  It’s pretty awesome. I don’t usually do this in public, or I get kicked out of places.

Food cravings: Ice water still! In fact, I’ve started filling up a thermos and just carrying it around the house.  Jealous?

What I miss: Not having pit sweat stains on every single outfit I wear.  7 months pregnant + heat advisory + a love of wearing gray = social suicide

Milestones: I now have more baby in my belly than amniotic fluid.  Rockin’!